(Dis)engagement: Questions to Ask Yourself

[osteophage]

[Note: this post was originally made to Pillowfort on July 18, 2018.]

A continuation of this post.

Alright, say you come across somebody saying something Wrong. That's the impetus.

If you're evaluating whether to engage, consider some questions such as these:

• What's the power differential between you and your would-be opponent? Is there an official hierarchy at play? Structural power? Other forms of advantage? In other words, how much power do they have to bring negative consequences to bear against you?
• What are the circumstances of the encounter? Is it in person? In what kind of setting? Is it online? On what kind of site? What are the tools, functions, and social expectations of the context? How "easy" is it to get a dialogue going in this context?
• How old is the topic? To give you a sense of scale: Arguing over a new proposed feature on pillowfort is something new. Arguing over monotheism is old.
• Who else is involved? Are there onlookers? Are there any other people already arguing? Has anyone already made the points you want to make? Does the fight seem evenly balanced, or are there way more people on one side than another?
• Is the impetus just one random person with wonky views who hasn't gotten much attention, or is it something more widespread or representative of a consistent problem? How popular or unpopular is their stance?
• How consequential is the matter at hand? Is it a matter of personal taste? Is it something with larger implications? What are the ways that you or people you care about could be affected?
• Does the impetus come from someone with whom you know you have any shared values in common? Can you find a way to relate those values to the topic as part of making your point? Can you put yourself in the other person's shoes enough to figure out what might be persuasive?

If you've already engaged in a conflict (or what has become a conflict), and if you're evaluating whether to disengage, ask yourself the following questions where applicable:

• What have you learned so far about the person or people you're in conflict with? Have they given any ground or made concessions at any point? Do they sympathize with any of your motivations or intentions? Do they care about any of the same things that you do? Do they seem like they're trying to be fair or engaging in "good faith"?
• If you look at their responses to you, then highlight and delete the insults/expressions of exasperation/venting of frustration with you, is there anything else of substance left behind? Are they still talking about the topic and conflict itself, or are they just communicating that they're upset with you?
• If the encounter is happening on a social media website, such as pillowfort, what can you find on their blog related to the topic? What seems typical of how they talk about things and how they treat people? Do they talk to everyone this way, or just you? Do you see anything in their bio or recent posts that would "explain" some of their behavior, in terms of underlying values or previous experiences?
• Are your interactions repetitive? Do they always respond to you in roughly the same way, no matter what you say to them? In other words, is the encounter "going anywhere"?
• Has your opponent demonstrated violating behavior toward you because of the conflict? ex. coming after you on completely unrelated posts just to insult you over the conflict, sending you rude private messages, deliberately trying to hurt you?
• Is the encounter causing negative fallout for anyone close to you?
• What are the costs of continuing to engage in the conflict or keep communication lines open? Is it worth it to you, in this moment?

I offer these questions here as questions, not as "if-then" questions paired with conditional answers -- I have no set formula for "if you answered yes here and no here, then that means you ought to do X." The point is to highlight some different factors to take into consideration as part of the context. Every situation is different, but for yourself you may begin to notice some patterns.

As y'all mostly know, I don't believe in being categorically "against" fighting "too much," but I'm also practical enough to advocate respecting our limitations. At the same time, I hate when lists like these feel like they're written just to tell people that fighting is pointless. The difference in my approach, here, is to help us think about what makes the difference in whether or not a fight feels pointless to us.

These lists aren't meant to be exhaustive or cover every consideration, either. What are some of the criteria you use when evaluating whether to engage or disengage?

Comments

[unspeakablehorror]

This is a good list! I'm always trying to figure out how to structure my thinking to better deal with conflict. I'd definitely like to improve at conflict resolution. It seems like an important social skill to cultivate. And I think it is important to identify what the right questions even are before trying to proceed to answers.

[osteophage]

Thanks. Glad to hear it. :)